Propose To My Girlfriend

Asking the right questions before you get married, and honest answers to them, are the key to a successful marriage.

You may think you are ready to propose to your girlfriend, or maybe you’ve proposed already, but there are some questions to ask before you get married. The answers to these questions will go a long way toward determining your happiness together in your new life. Get together with your girlfriend and discuss your future together so you can be assured of having a long and happy one. An hour or so now will pay huge dividends in your relationship later.

Just because you love each other, and you are the proverbial soul mates, doesn’t mean that you can just propose, then go off and get married and everything will be happier ever after, just like in the storybook. No, it is more complicated than that. You have to figure out some of life’s little conundrums first, and answering these questions together before you get married, rather than finding out the answers later, is a great way to help pave the road to  a long and happy married life together.

Note that these questions are not a substitute for pre-marriage counseling, but if you aren’t prepared to get that, or don’t believe in such things, they can be a good way to stop potential problems before they turn into real issues later in your marriage. Some of these appear to be nitpicking, but better a little bit of that now, than a lifetime of it later.

Question 1)
Are we going to have kids, and if so, how many? This is a big one. Failing to agree on this can spell doom for a marriage early on. If one of you want s a big family, and the other genuinely wants no children, that spells trouble ahead.

Question 2)
What religion(s) are we going to practice and how are we going to practice it? This is a core values question and you’ll need to be on the same page here in order to live a long and happy life together. Do you have the religious or spiritual belief system, or are they closely aligned? If you don’t already know, find out now.

Question 3)
How will we structure our professional lives? This is actually a whole series of questions, such as:
Are we going to both work, and if so how much? Who’s career will dominate if one of us should get on an upwardly mobile track? In many cases one of the partners in a marriage will find themselves with career requirements that don’t mesh with the other’s? How will you handle such an occurrence? How much are you prepared to have your spouse work? If one of you is regularly traveling on business or at the office late on a regular basis, will that lead to problems in the marriage?

Question 4)
If we have children, how will we change our lives? Myriad things enter into this question, such as will one parent quit working, and if so for how long? Will we relocate to an area for better schools or neighborhood? Where? Would we like to put our children into a private school? If so, what kind?

Question 5)
How will we handle the holidays? Whose parents will we visit, and for which holidays? You may think this is trivial, but don’t. Many arguments have been started or resentments built by such seemingly benign things as whose parents are we going to for Thanksgiving this year? It only gets worse because so many people have divorced parents, potentially doubling the number of possible destination choices every holiday. It really gets more important to have an answer to this question before you have children.

Question 6)
Are we comfortable with the way things are sexually? Are both of you fairly equal in your sex drives? Does one of you want sex way more than the other. If so, is the other partner comfortable with this? Have you discussed in depth (no pun intended) what the other likes during sex, and are you comfortable with it? A couples intimacy and sexual issues can become stumbling blocks to long term happiness, so it is best to work on these things now. Remember that if and when you have children your sex life will likely experience a bit of a decrease. That’s not a sure thing, but millions of parents will likely concur.

Question 7)
How will we deal with our finances?  How will we divide our budget? What percentage of our income will we put aside for retirement, housing, transportation, and other important things? How much should we spend on entertainment? How much do we want to spend in each of those areas? Are we in general agreement on this? Will we keep separate bank and checking accounts? Will we have a joint account? If we have both joint and separate accounts, how will we allocate resources between them?

Financial matters are extremely important,and money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce in the United States. Examine each other’s spending patterns, because if one or both of you tend to spend large portions of your income on certain things, the other may not be comfortable with it after you are married. This is a generalization, but guys tend to spend more on tools and outdoor recreation, such as motorcycles, hunting, fishing, and attending sporting events, while women tend to spend more on shopping trips and personal care. Be sure you are comfortable with the other’s level of spending in these areas, and how they fit into your long term financial plans.

Speaking of long term financial plans, what are they? How soon would you like to retire, and what are you doing to make that happen? Would either of you like to own your own business some day (providing you don’t already). That is a huge commitment for both of you from both a financial and time perspective, so that is a decision both of you should make together. Keep in mind that if one of you is very entrepreneurial and wants very much to start a business, and the other is risk averse, this could lead to large problems later in the relationship.

Discuss the other’s credit score, and know how many credit cards  and their balances the other has before you get married. Each of you should get a copy of your credit report and go over it to ensure it is accurate. In some cases up to 25% of the negative information on a credit report is inaccurate. You do not have to pay for this. You are entitled by law to receive one free copy of your credit report annually from each of the three credit reporting agencies; Equifax, TransUnion, and Experian.  Your credit score is one of the most important numbers in your life.

After you get married each of your financial information will affect you as a couple. If one of you has a poor credit score, it can be financially devastating for both of you. It can make it more difficult and expensive for you for major purchases such as a car or a home. In addition, your credit card’s interest rates will be higher if your credit score is low.

Do either of you gamble? If so, how much and what kind of gambling? This is something you can not look at too seriously. If one partner gambles, and the other does not, it can wreck a marriage if the gambling gets out of control. There are so many avenues available for gambling on today’s society that it opens the possibility of gambling causing martial problems to a greater extent than in the past. If both of you gamble, it could still wreck your finances, but may not have the same effect on your marrige.

Question
Who does the housework? In the Beaver Cleaver era, that was a no brainer. Ward went to work, and June stayed home and took care of all the household chores they couldn’t get the kids to take care of. If you hadn’t noticed, times have changed. It’s likely that both partners work. If you are both putting in 40 – 60 hours a week climbing th corporate ladder or slaving away at some dead end job, neither of you is going to be too inclined to do the dishes before collapsing on the couch in front of the TV to enjoy a glass of Chardonnay (weather it came from a box or bottle). It is best to figure this out sooner, rather than later, after it becomes a point of contention. If you think this is bad in the beginning, wait until you have a couple of children.

Question 9)
Are we comfortable with each other’s views on health? If one of you is serious about health and fitness and the other isn’t, are you both comfortable with this? Are you fine with the time you each want to spend pursuing health and fitness related activities?  What about your position on overall health? If one of you eats a healthy diet and the other eats without much regard for, or even seeming disdain for their health, will this be okay? If one of you cooks, and the other chooses not to eat the meal for health reasons, will that be acceptable? If you eat it even though you would rather not do so, this can cause resentment or health problems down the road.

Question 10)
Hey, we’re almost done! Look at both partner’s friends, and the kind of friends you keep and make. Are both couples comfortable with them? If one partner is more comfortable meeting people and is very outgoing, and the other is more introverted will that create problems? If one partner meets and befriends people the other thinks of as less desirable, will this create friction in the relationship? How about your social calendar? Is it as full or as empty as you’d like? If one of you wants to go out all the time, and the other is more comfortable staying home, this could spell trouble.

These are all questions to ask before you get married, rather than have their answers cause you relationship problems later. As with so many things in life, a bit of work up front can pave the way for success in the future. Good luck!

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